The Shoelace

You might not realize this, but you can absolutely tell where someone is from by watching the method they use to eat a slice of pizza.

Sound ridiculous. It is. You are right.

Nonetheless, I will explain.

Let’s say you eat pizza in the following manner. You pick up the slice with both hands. One hand on the thick outside crust. The other is situated on the pointy end by placing your middle, index, and ring fingers gently on the bottom crust under. You then carefully shepherd the pizza, pointy end first, into your mouth, bite by bite.

If this seems the proper way, you are likely from the Midwest United States. If you are staring at a salad bar while you are utilizing this method, you are absolutely from the Midwest United States.

In the Midwest, we are careful and considered people. We are polite and were taught good table manners as children. Eating with our hands does not come natural unless it is a hamburger. How do we eat hamburgers? Use both hands. So it goes with a slice of pizza.

Let’s analyze another method. If you eat pizza with a knife and fork, from beginning to end, and never use your hands to eat the pizza, you are from Italy.

Italians eat pizza in a very civilized way. Thousands of years of culture contribute to this type of refinement. Italians, by the way, are never staring at a salad bar while they eat their pizza. Like never.

Recently, my wife and I were eating at one of the top one hundred pizza restaurants in the world located in Milan, Italy. The pizza was so good I literally was teary eyed and kept making weird “mmmmffhhh” sounds throughout the meal. You would think this would make the other diners stare at us. But no. My weird sounds were not the reason other diners gave us side-eyed glances.

We were eating the pizza with both hands. We are from the Midwest. Of course we were eating with our hands.

Amidst the clink and clank sounds of a civilized culture using their utensils, my wife and I were shoveling our meal in our face with both hands, arms, and elbows.

The Italians dining that day at the pizzeria were looking over at us and of course thinking “allora, look at the way these two Americani eat. They grab at their food with their dirty paws and then push our beautiful La Pizza into their giant heads like they are in some kind of contest with a time limit.”

Fair point. Rude, but fair.

Next technique, the fold. The fold is taking a slice with one hand, folding it in half, and then eating the pizza like a sandwich. The fold means you are definitely from one place. New York City.

My friend from Staten Island told me a story that back when Rudy Giuliani was mayor of New York City, he visited Staten Island and went to a famous pizza place there. Pictures were taken, etc. It was a publicity thing.

The next day the Staten Island paper’s main comment about Giuliani’s visit was praising him for folding his pizza when he ate it. Unreal.

Apparently, some years later when Michael Bloomberg was mayor, he also visited the same pizza place and ate his slice with a knife and fork. Sacrilege! What a stunatz! He was lambasted for this by both the paper and proud New Yorker’s everywhere.

If you want to see a perfect example of the fold technique, watch the opening credits from the movie Saturday Night Fever.

Tony Manero (John Travolta) is walking down the street and stops at a Brooklyn pizzeria walk up window. He proceeds to order, not one, but two slices, stack them, fold them, and eat the pizza while he struts down the street in his black leather jacket and bright red polyester big-collared seventies shirt with his gold St. Anthony Medallion showing in the open neckline.

This probably is the coolest anyone ever looked eating pizza. Not just in a movie. Like in the history of pizza eating.

Now there are other methods of eating pizza. Crust first. Toppings first. Peel off chunks randomly.

But I don’t think these belong in the canon as they represent a small fraction of the population who quite obviously has no idea what the hell they are doing.

So that’s it. Next time you are in a pizzeria, take a look around. Where might they be from? Now you’ll know.