The Shoelace

Did you know if you chew gum, you aren’t able to cry?

I had no idea.

I’m sitting in The Cirque Bar at the Fairmont Hotel in San Francisco. It’s 7:30am and it is definitely coffee time. One too many martinis after dinner last night has put me in a state of what I like to call Morning Zombie.

The Cirque Bar formerly was the cocktail bar and lounge at the old hotel. It is lavish. Much too lavish to be used as just a coffee bar. The furniture is art deco and the walls are covered in a saintly golden yellow mural that features circus animals.

Speaking of circus animals.

A very distinguished older lady is sitting with a party near my table. The kind of older lady who you don’t want to know that well.

You know the type.

The domineering mother in law.

The rich grandmother.

The matriarch who holds those purse strings as tight as she does affection for her grand children.

Judgement sits deep in her eyes and at the tip of her sharp tongue.

She tells her companion about the gum trick and, from the bits of conversation I can make out, I surmise they are talking about a wedding they will both attend later that evening.

Delivering the gum advice, the matriarch is confident and condescending all in one breath. As if to say “of course you must know gum prevents crying. Everyone knows this. I’m surprised at you cousin Gertrude. I am certain that your parents, Uncle Reginald and Aunt Evelyn, are rolling over in the family mausoleum that houses their dead bodies.”

How refined. How grand. How awful this woman is.

I’m sure she was a French Literature major at Vassar until she met and married her late husband Dudley Farnsworth and dedicated her life to organizing charitable events and terrorizing her entire family.

It won’t surprise you that she has a small dog. One of those seven pounders with a flat face that can’t f@cking breathe. The poor thing wheezes like a asthmatic after running a half marathon with Covid mask on. But hey, at least the dog has a diamond collar and a pink track suit on. There are aways tradeoffs in life.

Enjoying my coffee and the lovely decor, I’m only half paying attention to the conversation being had at the Matriarch’s table. However, I do overhear this very stern statement coming from the Matriarch herself.

“No one is allowed to touch her veil. If someone so much as looks at it, I will scream.”

Geez. They better get whoever touches that veil some gum.

And not some run of the mill crap like Trident or Dentyne. This poor soul is going to need a really fun gum to fight off tears after getting verbally flogged for trying to straighten the bride’s veil.

Something like Bubbalicious or Freshen-Up will do the trick.

Chew gum and prevent tears. Fabulous.

I find that lessons in life come randomly and from all kind of sources. We simply must open ourselves up to the learning.

So remember, the next time your father passes away just grab some Big Red and you’ll be just fine.